Let's talk about gratuitous product placement. We all know what it is about and there is rarely a day that goes by in our lives where we don't have it shoved right in our face. Like last week for example, when on page three of the T.O. Sun, a columnist named Joe Warmington, or as I prefer to call him, Joe Wormington, wrote a column called "Slow Boom or Long Bust in Bolton". This was all about gratuitous product placement for the Caledon Chamber of Commerce. While this article may have appeared as the writer's regular column, it was in my opinion, nothing more than a pimped out, straight up plant of a purchased product placement in the TO Sun. The only thing missing from this article was that tiny little disclaimer that reads "Advertisement". It was a plant that I'd say was akin to the Giant Hogweed, which is noxious and can cause skin eruptions upon coming into contact with. The Hogweed, which has turned up in Peel, most recently seems to have found it's way into the newsroom down at the Sun and more specifically at the desk of Joe Wormington. Time to get the Calamine lotion out.
So how is it that just four weeks before our municipal and regional election does a gratuitous piece of product placement masked as a news article just happen by chance to turn up in a Toronto daily? C'mon peeps, think about this. A girl with a pair of ruby slippers ponders this question. Coincidence? Nope, probably not.
I'd say that Mr. Wormington's column was really the fodder of well placed greed and probably a few favour markers. You know what I mean by a favour marker right? This gets a girl wondering about how many IOU markers are going to be floating around, at Caledon's cost, after this election is over. I shudder to think. It also gets me to wondering about the true costs behind having friends in such high places. Friends who have the ability to get you placed into major dailies and on to Toronto radio talk shows. Friends with benefits. Friends who's clients have included the likes of Mike Harris, John Tory and most currently the obnoxious, racist and frightening Rob Ford. Then I get to wondering about how much a friend like this would cost in terms of a monetary perspective. After all the real estate at Dundas and Yonge is mighty pricey these days and I'm quite certain it takes more than a few pictures of Robert Borden to pay the rent in that part of town.
It got me to thinking about who picked up this tab? Is the Caledon Chamber of Commerce that flush with cash or have that many favours it can kick about? I would think that the board of directors, including their head cheese, KD, might be a bit more concerned about their rapidly diminishing credibility and their disgruntled and disillusioned membership. After all, if their AGM turnout is any indication of their membership, they've got mighty bigger problems that they need to focus on. If this Rent-A-Lobbyist was hired by the Groves campaign then it'll need to be reported in their election expenses. Stay tuned for that one. I'm betting though, the money for this horse and pony show came from a third party who just might have a vested interest in ridding Caledon of a chunk of its current council and more so, its incumbent Mayor. Oh gee, I wonder who that might be. Cannoli's anyone?
In his column, Mr. Wormington wrote "In my assessment, what is needed here is compromise. Developers are not the devil but towns have learned lessons from getting too big too fast. If the mayor and the chamber of commerce can’t see eye to eye, I suggest Premier Dalton McGuinty send in a third party to take a look at Caledon and make sure everything is being done appropriately."
In your assessment? Hey Joe who asked you for your assessment? Who even gives a Caledon cow patty about your assessment. Hey Joe do you live in Caledon? Hey Joe do you own a business here? Hey Joe do your children go to school here? Hey Joe do you shop, work or even play here? I've seen that pic of you in your fedora pal, you just don't strike me as a guy I'd bump in to on the TransCanada Trailway between Palgrave and Caledon East. Oh no wait a second, I know what it is. You wanted to come up to Caledon just for some breakfast at Cora's. Hey Joe how about instead we meet up at Kathy's Restaurant or the Riverside, which are both booming breakfast spots in Bolton and I'll buy you a real cuppa Joe. You can use it to wash down a delicious Caledon meadow muffin freshly squeezed out just for you.
Let me provide you with the coopSpeak translation of Mr. Wormington's statement. What he really meant was "Let's let the Ontario Municipal Board decide Caledon's future development." Right, right....gotcha there big fella. Assessment duly noted and thank you for your input. Now why don't you just kiss my grass and go back to pimping yourself out to the likes of the racist rant master Rob Ford and his hired gun lobbyists. Please pass me the Calamine lotion, I can feel that rash coming on.
Now here's the coopSpeak assessment of Joe Wormington's column about my community. "In my assessment, what is needed here is a good swift boot in the drawers of this writer for being so compromised and wasting the space in the newspaper on an issue that he clearly has no business putting his two cents towards.." Yup, I think that about covers off that sentiment.
While we are assessing things, let me add to that list. "In my assessment I think it is time for the Town of Caledon to look for a group of people who'd like to form a Board of Trade, that would really work cooperatively with the whole community, both urban and rural, industrial, retail and agricultural."
Bubbye Caledon Chamber of Commerce and hello to the Caledon Board of Trade.
Hey Joe, should you decide you'd like to give up pimping yourself down there on your King Street hood, where you buy your double Americano's at the Dark Horse Cafe and move uptown you might want to consider this career option. Perhaps, the now defunct Caledon Perspectives, which was owned by a developer, could be resurrected and you could find yourself a new hood to work in. Better yet, perhaps your writing winger could be former Caledon Perspectives employee, Marky Mark Pavilons and he could bring along his funky bunch from the Caledon Chamber Pot of Commerce. Who knows, maybe by that time Kelly Darnley might be looking for a career change if she hasn't moved out of town up to her Muskoka mansion yet.
Four weeks and counting. Time to click my ruby slipper heels together. I just keep telling myself....there's no place like Caledon for home. Just a word of warning, beware of the flying monkeys.
One last comment, the toilet escapades of Mr. Clean is a completely true story. I've had people say "Oh come on, you must have made that up!" The toilet tale is true. Mr. Clean, anytime you wanna check out my porcelain throne, come on over to the Beaver. I'd be happy to give you a personal tour of my low litre flusher. Perhaps you might want to consider offering up toilet inspections as part of your door knocking campaign.
This just in....more telephones are ringing. This time it is a pollster saying "Annette Groves is running for city councillor does she have your support?"
Ummmmm....care to guess at what my response might be.